Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
