when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
