Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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