i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
