so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
