Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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