the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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