When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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