Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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