Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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