Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
