Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
