I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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