I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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