the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You ate ashes out of my bong
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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