Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
