you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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