Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
