I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
