Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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