Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
