my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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