You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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