I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
