I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
