is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
