Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
