I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
