I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
