Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
