So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
