Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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