Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
