I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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