Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
