It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk is not a location!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
