see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize