Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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