I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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