I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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