am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
