I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
