I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
