I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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