Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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