yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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