Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
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