Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
