I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Shame - the story of my life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize