Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
