Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
