I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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