Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
