You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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