I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
