drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
