I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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