I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
